G.I. Jen

Jen shaved her head. And needs some new lip gloss.

Strands

Hola,

I just arrived from the bathroom. Because we're personal like that. I was running my hands through my hair and I'm able to get a hair, maybe two, almost every time! Maybe I should be savoring my hair strands when they're actually attached to my head, but it's just too exciting to wait. Or maybe I'm just a little too curious to see if it falls out in chunks. The truth: I'm anxious to look like a damn chemo patient already, because I don't think I've convinced anyone just yet. My mom has been pulling my hair about ten times a day for the past week in disbelief: "It's really in there! I don't think it's coming out. I really don't think it's coming out." Well, we're on Day 15 now. It's time to get through this and move along.

In unrelated news, today was a good day. It just was. Believe me.

<3

Me

The Smell of a Civilized Person

The swelling is no problem. The doctor didn't even notice it and there is no redness so I suppose it will just go away. I'm not too concerned with that matter now. What I am preoccupied with is this unruly incision gap. I haven't been able to get it wet (no full showers in weeks, people!) so it had formed a vomit-worthy golden crust from the antibiotic cream I was told to use. The doctor gently tweezed it off along with the remaining surgical glue and there was a great disappointment underneath. The wound has not pulled itself together, and we're running out of options. He prescribed some Betadine swabs twice a day and another week on these damn antibiotics. I hate taking so many antibiotics! (But it sure beats having an infection.)

What I want to try next week, if this week is unfruitful, is to apply a fresh papaya paste to the area. Papaya is practically a miracle fruit and can do wonders for healing wounds. (I once had deep scratches on my face when my cat tried to climb me like a tree and I swear if it wasn't for the papaya it would have scarred.) This thought popped into my head after we left his office, of course, so I didn't have a chance to run it by him, but I'm sure when I propose this next week he's going to have a giant question mark over his head. Regardless, I would still prefer to run it by him before self-prescribing.

Did I mention that I haven't showered in weeks? And I stopped using deodorant with aluminum (i.e., I stopped using deodorant that works)? I wash my hair in the kitchen sink, I bathe with a washcloth and the running tap, and there is a permanent funk emanating from my armpits that won't give up no matter how much I wash. This is the secret of my newfound obsession with all things soap. I am just trying to smell like a civilized person. Minimizing the spread of infection - that's just a happy coincidence.

Hand Soap: Part 2

Today was a productive soap day! I had an appointment over by Whole Foods so we stopped in to pick up a few things. I happened upon this luxurious hand soap, so I thought I'd share it with the world. I actually bought the Vanilla & Sweet Orange scent, but the below scent is equally as, if not more, tantalizing. Unfortunately, the scent doesn't last long, but it makes for a very pleasant hand washing experience. I suppose that's what you get when you buy this hippie vegan crap. Anyway, I love it and it makes me happy.

In other news, my right boob has independently decided to swell larger than normal today, and I am quite worried. I am thinking it has to do with my lymph nodes not clearing some fluid. Perhaps I used my right arm too much today? I am begging for sleep to be the cure. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about how well things are going and should keep strictly focused on complaining. Somehow the evil eyes always find their way back to me.

Hand Soap

Day 8 is coming to a close and things are going very well. I couldn't have had better news at the doctor today. My blood labs came back completely normal and my white blood cell count is excellent (thanks to the Neulasta shot they give on Day 2). I was told that this is pretty much the gist of how it's going to be. This is chemo? Really? I am quite surprised at how relatively mild it's been. I haven't had to take anti-nausea pills in a few days, and my appetite is great. I had no bone pain with the Neulasta shot, and no mouth sores. They also said the AC portion of the chemo (the first three months) is more aggressive so it should be easier the second three months. I consider myself VERY lucky! I can only hope that it all goes as planned. Of course, I still have to deal with the hair loss in a week or two, but I think I'm prepared for it. As soon as it starts falling out, I'm ready to shave it (anyone want to join in the fun?). I'm not sure I can pull off bald - I looked like an alien child with no hair until I was two - but it's only six months and I hear my hair may even come back thicker. I've been collecting scarves here and there, as well as received many as gifts (including beautiful recycled vintage saris!). I also noticed a lot of women on chemo wear giant hoop earrings to complete the pirate look, so I may have to look into getting a pair of those as well.

Since I have recently become a professional hand washer, I decided to spend Sunday on a mission to begin my collection of liquid hand soaps. I knew that the Softsoap and CVS antibacterial soap (with evil Triclosan!) were doing a number on my hands because I have small patches of contact dermatitis (I was berated by the nurse today for going a little overboard with the handwashing...). So, I did a little research and unfortunately found something called cosmeticsdatabase.com which rates many popular cosmetic items on a scaled from 1-10, including hand soaps and body washes. This is the site to use if you want to go completely insane! Most of the acceptable green range items (0-2 rating) are impossible to find in the store, and I certainly cannot buy soap online without first smelling it. Anyway, I finally was able to buy one in the green range, and it's the best hand soap ever! And they're discontinuing it. And the ingredient list is completely different from the database, rendering it a failure. (The matching hand lotion has a score of 8.) I think I may have to give up on cosmeticsdatabase.com and go back to being normal. Ho-hum.

If anyone has any suggestions for delicious smelling and gentle hand soaps, please let me know!

Day 4

Days 3 and 4 have been a doozy. I ended up taking some anti-nausea pills and they kicked my butt, so I have been in nap-time mode. I try to keep my energy up by taking a walk after dinner, but still feeling a little low on the energy. My appetite is waning, but I'm still eating as much as I was before, just trying to fill up with a lot of nutrients/fruits/veggies since I'm not allowed to take a multivitamin. When neutropenia kicks in (somewhere between Day 7-12) I'll be at the low point as far as WBC count, which is when I'll be most susceptible to infection so I have to be extra careful with my diet (no raw food unless prepared at home, peeled, and certified by the health department).

I also wanted to fill in the information gap about the incision separation. I never got my boobs pumped up because of this issue and we must wait for it to heal first. My boob doctor put me on more antibiotics (the fourth round since surgery!) and I'll see him in a week. We are just hoping that this skin heals itself because if the tissue expander has to come out I'm not sure I want to think about what that road entails as far as reconstruction. I don't want mangled boobies.

My mom keeps asking if I remembered to take this pill or that pill... I told her, look, I have one responsibility in life right now and that is to take drugs (well, that, and washing my hands obsessively). On the spectrum of responsibility, I would say I have this covered. It's really hard to believe that someone like me, the girl who doesn't like to take a tylenol for a headache, has become such a pharmaceutical conglomerate, but such is life. If it's what it takes to kill the cancer in my body, so be it. Four days down and many to go... it's not so bad.

Chemo: Day 2

Hi there! I'm still here, fret not. I haven't been much in the mood for writing, and still am not really, but figured I owe it to the people. We've got smiles on our faces most days, hanging in there. As far as updates, I'll keep it to a few.

Firstly, I wanted to mention my mother's amazing friends. They have donated a pretty penny to me to assist with my financial needs, and it is very humbling. They started a non-profit fund called Friends of Jen and have really spread the word around. They held an Applebee's night for fundraising. We also joined in the festivities and I was the celebrity of the evening. Anyway, I don't know how to say thank you beyond just those words. So, thank you all for everything you are doing.

I was supposed to start chemo last Thursday, but I went with my gut feeling and didn't start for a number of reasons. I had an allergic reaction and a huge, itchy rash from the Chloraprep they used to place my port. So, I was still on Benadryl at that point. It was the second day of my period, and I had mere ounces of energy. I had been to my plastic surgeon the day before, and he scared the pants off of me. There is a segment of the incision from surgery on my right breast that hasn't healed properly and the skin is slightly separated and open. (Ahh!) He said he may have to remove the tissue expander from that side if it becomes exposed, which is a possibility. Anyway, I was freaking out a bit about it, wondering how he could perform this surgery while I'm on chemo, and how could it possibly heal... so I decided to postpone until Monday.

I couldn't be happier with my decision to wait a few days. My incision has made a slight improvement (though it's far from healed). I have a thousand times more energy, my rash is gone, the port is almost completely healed. I am off Benadryl. So, yesterday was the day. After a stack of paperwork, fire and brimstone, and an interrogation session with the same questions I've already been asked thousands of times... Are you pregnant? Do you have a living will? Do you have mental problems?... yes, you are making me crazy with all these forms! Just give me the damn chemo already!

They gave me a nice dose of happy juice and I was on my way, high as a kite. We would have watched a movie, had my mother not been in charge of the selection, so we'll have to be better prepared for next time. Luckily, they have a pretty nice setup there with a TV and a recliner. It was like being at a spa, and there was even a masseuse who gave me an amazing head and shoulder massage. I was in ecstasy.

So, I felt fine, ate a delicious spaghetti dinner homemade by my loving grandparents. Celal and I went for a leisurely walk around the hood just to boost my energy. Not long afterward, some slight nausea set in, and I was pooped and pale as a ghost. I lay down around 9:30pm and was out after one of my mom's special foot massages. (Is the past tense of lie lay? That verb is so confusing.) I woke up a few times, but had some nausea around 6am, ate a banana, and passed out again. My color is now back and I'm up and about as usual... I still have my hair, and haven't vomited yet so all-in-all I'm a happy camper. A six-month chemo camper. I'll try to be more diligent about keeping a log of my trip, and still working on those photos...

Hasta luego!