I Love My Mommy

We pick on my mom. A lot. It's fun! And I think she likes it sometimes. Until we make her cry. Well, we made her cry yesterday. She insisted that I not post this story to the blog, but she knows that I will anyway.

I had my second chemo yesterday, and it's always a task for me to keep the children in line while we're at the doctor's office - said children being my mom and husband. My mom likes to get therapy sessions from the nurses and doctors by asking questions to which we already know the answers, and husband likes to make sure to take care of the business end of things. Anyway, when I finally get them to sit and play Blowfish and Brain Tuner on their iPhones, all is good. (Except when my mom thinks it's funny to call the game Brain Tumor instead. Not really appropriate at a Breast Cancer Center.) But once it's time to switch rooms, the chaos picks back up. So, yesterday it was time for me to get settled into my chemo recliner cubicle. (I would also like to mention that I'm the only person that travels with an entourage... most patients are either alone or bring one significant other that behaves well in public places.)

So, I took my seat, and there were no other chairs in the room just yet - meaning I was having a hard time keeping them in line. My mom in all her nervousness opted to prepare herself a decaf coffee across the way. Since my recliner has a little side table, she put it there. But, the bottom of the styrofoam cup wasn't sitting flat (it was likely warped from the coffee being too hot). So, she picked it up to look at the bottom, except she did this with the coffee dangling just about over my chest area. I reprimanded her for thirty seconds about the dangers of hot coffee spilling onto chemo patients, and we gave her a chair to sit in. A minute later a perplexed look hit my face and I said, "Mom, you don't even drink coffee! What are you doing?!" and she started giggling. She didn't know. I think she was just trying to keep busy. So, she started playing with her iPhone again.

Then she came up with a better idea to pass the time: "Celal, I want to check the level of your head!" He still didn't have a chair, so she stood up and took her iPhone in one hand, leveler app open. How this makes any sense, I do not know. She was having a good time, but we were both wondering what the hell she was doing. Then in a split moment someone flinched. And the hot coffee that was in her other hand poured down Celal's right side - his hair, his arm, his shirt, his iPhone (which was broken for a good two hours), all over my purse and the wall behind, some on my leg. Celal said, "you burned me!" My mom insisted that she didn't burn him and that the coffee wasn't hot. I told him to go to the bathroom to rinse with cold water. After the nurse gave us some towels to help with the mess, my mom came back in and said to Celal, "I think I burned my hand."

The coffee was hot and shocking, but neither of them was burned. Somehow, I got blamed for making my mom nervous, so I aptly apologized for having cancer. Then she cried about how we always pick on her. Mom, you know we love you just the way you are.

Banana Bread

The banana bread was edible, and somewhat good! I need to work on the recipe a bit because I overcompensated in the adjustments of the butter / flour when I added the agave, and it ended up drying out and browning too much. I am also not used to using a dark loaf pan (I use glass) so that may have contributed to the browning. I am still hopeful for the next batch! If I ever perfect it, I'll be sure to post the recipe. For now, here is the original recipe in all it's buttery sugary glory.

Banana Bread

3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened

1 1/8 cup sugar

1 cup mashed overripe (or ripe) banana

2 eggs, room temperature

1 tsp. vanilla extract

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. salt

Preheat the oven to 325F (162C). Combine flour, baking soda, and salt in a bowl, and whisk together. Butter a loaf pan. Set aside.

Cream the butter in a large bowl for about one minute. Add the sugar, and continue to cream for two minutes. Add the eggs and vanilla extract and mix for about two minutes so the eggs get a little fluffy. Mix in the mashed banana until well incorporated.

Add the dry ingredients to the banana mixture, and stir by hand until just incorporated. Do not overmix. Pour the batter into the loaf pan, and bake for about 1 hour and 15 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. The bread will have a dark brown crust. Let the banana bread cool overnight before eating.

45 Minutes in Istanbul

My aunt sent me this video she found, Lonely Planet Six Degrees: Istanbul. It's 45 minutes long, but a good glimpse at some great sights around the city. There's a crazy taxi driver, the ubiquitous plastic shoe covers a la quarantine... I'm still watching, but I have a feeling it's going to be interesting. Enjoy!

Jen's Favorite Things

My diet is under serious renovation. And it's not easy. I was one of many women with breast cancer that had an estrogen-positive tumor, meaning it was feeding its grimy little cells on all the estrogen it could get, including food sources. (This is quite a controversial subject in the scientific community.) The likely number one food source enhancing my tumor growth was SOY. Yes, the conniving soy. If I had known, I wouldn't have eaten all that delicious Chinese food! And edamame! And spicy tuna rolls dipped in wasabied soy sauce... and the list goes on. Frown. Well, I have read my food labels for too many years now, and I've never been too wary of soy ingredients, because, hey, soy was my friend. Soy is healthy, right? That's what I thunked. And it was wrong, for me. That's not the end - soy is just one of the many plants that has natural estrogens... there's an exhaustive list of foods including tomatoes, garlic, apples, carrots, olive oil... I really would have to cease eating to avoid estrogen. But it's not only estrogen foods that affect me ... There is this other important friend I have: sugar...

We try to eat organic and cook at home from scratch as much as possible. But it's not feasible to do 100% of the time. We don't grow our own vegetables. We don't live in a hippie commune. We're quasi-lazy. So, we sometimes eat out (gasp!). And we eat refined and packaged foods (double gasp!). The doctors told me to avoid excess soy. I read this as avoid soy at all costs!! So now I'm the self-proclaimed head of the Anti-Soy Commission (a branch of the Nonclinically Insane Institute). If you're one of those people that reads labels, then you might be aware of the infiltration of soy into our food supply. Soy is the "Made in China" of food. It's everywhere, and you can't avoid it. And I'm not going to place all the blame on soy. Because the other half of the battle is my nearest and dearest: sugar. Without sugar, there is no joy in life. But I've had to compromise and cut back. My sugar addiction is a bit of an exaggeration - I don't sit around all day eating Krispy Kreme. But I have had to considerably axe a lot of sugar from my diet. My newest weapon and favorite new thing is Agave Nectar. Oprah's already got this one covered by Dr. Oz (who is Turkish! Yay, Turkishness!). I was skeptical. I thought it would taste like a barfy maple syrup honey goo. But I was floored when I tasted a little drop on my finger. It tastes like simple syrup! Sugar! All I have to do now is learn how to use it as a replacement in cooking. And as I write, there is a (notably organic) loaf of banana bread baking in the oven, made with agave nectar and a dash of love. I hope all of my dreams come true. Agave, don't let me down!

The Other Day

The posed pirate look

Inspiration

I'm almost bald, blah blah blah... what I really want to post is this great interview with our wedding photographer, Bartosz Jastal. If you hadn't followed our wedding blog, you might not know that I was fanatical about finding the perfect wedding photographer (of course within a reasonable budget!). In my hours of research, I found a great resource -- the WPJA -- which consists of some of the best wedding photographers out there. Somehow, fate brought us to work with Bartosz and he flew in from Poland to shoot our wedding. We had the perfect day, and we were very happy with the pictures. (They only get better in time.) Of course, it being our wedding day and all, we didn't have much time to hang out and get to know him personally (as I would have loved!). So, it made me really happy tonight to have seen this lengthy and informative interview with him. He gives insight into his style, process, and inspiration, and he even mentions our wedding shoot!

The Interview

Bartosz's Gallery Site

Bartosz's Blog

Cheese

My mom begged us for a few photos, and we made sure they were extra cheesy!

G.I. Jen

Jen shaved her head. And needs some new lip gloss.

Strands

Hola,

I just arrived from the bathroom. Because we're personal like that. I was running my hands through my hair and I'm able to get a hair, maybe two, almost every time! Maybe I should be savoring my hair strands when they're actually attached to my head, but it's just too exciting to wait. Or maybe I'm just a little too curious to see if it falls out in chunks. The truth: I'm anxious to look like a damn chemo patient already, because I don't think I've convinced anyone just yet. My mom has been pulling my hair about ten times a day for the past week in disbelief: "It's really in there! I don't think it's coming out. I really don't think it's coming out." Well, we're on Day 15 now. It's time to get through this and move along.

In unrelated news, today was a good day. It just was. Believe me.

<3

Me

The Smell of a Civilized Person

The swelling is no problem. The doctor didn't even notice it and there is no redness so I suppose it will just go away. I'm not too concerned with that matter now. What I am preoccupied with is this unruly incision gap. I haven't been able to get it wet (no full showers in weeks, people!) so it had formed a vomit-worthy golden crust from the antibiotic cream I was told to use. The doctor gently tweezed it off along with the remaining surgical glue and there was a great disappointment underneath. The wound has not pulled itself together, and we're running out of options. He prescribed some Betadine swabs twice a day and another week on these damn antibiotics. I hate taking so many antibiotics! (But it sure beats having an infection.)

What I want to try next week, if this week is unfruitful, is to apply a fresh papaya paste to the area. Papaya is practically a miracle fruit and can do wonders for healing wounds. (I once had deep scratches on my face when my cat tried to climb me like a tree and I swear if it wasn't for the papaya it would have scarred.) This thought popped into my head after we left his office, of course, so I didn't have a chance to run it by him, but I'm sure when I propose this next week he's going to have a giant question mark over his head. Regardless, I would still prefer to run it by him before self-prescribing.

Did I mention that I haven't showered in weeks? And I stopped using deodorant with aluminum (i.e., I stopped using deodorant that works)? I wash my hair in the kitchen sink, I bathe with a washcloth and the running tap, and there is a permanent funk emanating from my armpits that won't give up no matter how much I wash. This is the secret of my newfound obsession with all things soap. I am just trying to smell like a civilized person. Minimizing the spread of infection - that's just a happy coincidence.

Hand Soap: Part 2

Today was a productive soap day! I had an appointment over by Whole Foods so we stopped in to pick up a few things. I happened upon this luxurious hand soap, so I thought I'd share it with the world. I actually bought the Vanilla & Sweet Orange scent, but the below scent is equally as, if not more, tantalizing. Unfortunately, the scent doesn't last long, but it makes for a very pleasant hand washing experience. I suppose that's what you get when you buy this hippie vegan crap. Anyway, I love it and it makes me happy.

In other news, my right boob has independently decided to swell larger than normal today, and I am quite worried. I am thinking it has to do with my lymph nodes not clearing some fluid. Perhaps I used my right arm too much today? I am begging for sleep to be the cure. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about how well things are going and should keep strictly focused on complaining. Somehow the evil eyes always find their way back to me.

Hand Soap

Day 8 is coming to a close and things are going very well. I couldn't have had better news at the doctor today. My blood labs came back completely normal and my white blood cell count is excellent (thanks to the Neulasta shot they give on Day 2). I was told that this is pretty much the gist of how it's going to be. This is chemo? Really? I am quite surprised at how relatively mild it's been. I haven't had to take anti-nausea pills in a few days, and my appetite is great. I had no bone pain with the Neulasta shot, and no mouth sores. They also said the AC portion of the chemo (the first three months) is more aggressive so it should be easier the second three months. I consider myself VERY lucky! I can only hope that it all goes as planned. Of course, I still have to deal with the hair loss in a week or two, but I think I'm prepared for it. As soon as it starts falling out, I'm ready to shave it (anyone want to join in the fun?). I'm not sure I can pull off bald - I looked like an alien child with no hair until I was two - but it's only six months and I hear my hair may even come back thicker. I've been collecting scarves here and there, as well as received many as gifts (including beautiful recycled vintage saris!). I also noticed a lot of women on chemo wear giant hoop earrings to complete the pirate look, so I may have to look into getting a pair of those as well.

Since I have recently become a professional hand washer, I decided to spend Sunday on a mission to begin my collection of liquid hand soaps. I knew that the Softsoap and CVS antibacterial soap (with evil Triclosan!) were doing a number on my hands because I have small patches of contact dermatitis (I was berated by the nurse today for going a little overboard with the handwashing...). So, I did a little research and unfortunately found something called cosmeticsdatabase.com which rates many popular cosmetic items on a scaled from 1-10, including hand soaps and body washes. This is the site to use if you want to go completely insane! Most of the acceptable green range items (0-2 rating) are impossible to find in the store, and I certainly cannot buy soap online without first smelling it. Anyway, I finally was able to buy one in the green range, and it's the best hand soap ever! And they're discontinuing it. And the ingredient list is completely different from the database, rendering it a failure. (The matching hand lotion has a score of 8.) I think I may have to give up on cosmeticsdatabase.com and go back to being normal. Ho-hum.

If anyone has any suggestions for delicious smelling and gentle hand soaps, please let me know!

Day 4

Days 3 and 4 have been a doozy. I ended up taking some anti-nausea pills and they kicked my butt, so I have been in nap-time mode. I try to keep my energy up by taking a walk after dinner, but still feeling a little low on the energy. My appetite is waning, but I'm still eating as much as I was before, just trying to fill up with a lot of nutrients/fruits/veggies since I'm not allowed to take a multivitamin. When neutropenia kicks in (somewhere between Day 7-12) I'll be at the low point as far as WBC count, which is when I'll be most susceptible to infection so I have to be extra careful with my diet (no raw food unless prepared at home, peeled, and certified by the health department).

I also wanted to fill in the information gap about the incision separation. I never got my boobs pumped up because of this issue and we must wait for it to heal first. My boob doctor put me on more antibiotics (the fourth round since surgery!) and I'll see him in a week. We are just hoping that this skin heals itself because if the tissue expander has to come out I'm not sure I want to think about what that road entails as far as reconstruction. I don't want mangled boobies.

My mom keeps asking if I remembered to take this pill or that pill... I told her, look, I have one responsibility in life right now and that is to take drugs (well, that, and washing my hands obsessively). On the spectrum of responsibility, I would say I have this covered. It's really hard to believe that someone like me, the girl who doesn't like to take a tylenol for a headache, has become such a pharmaceutical conglomerate, but such is life. If it's what it takes to kill the cancer in my body, so be it. Four days down and many to go... it's not so bad.

Chemo: Day 2

Hi there! I'm still here, fret not. I haven't been much in the mood for writing, and still am not really, but figured I owe it to the people. We've got smiles on our faces most days, hanging in there. As far as updates, I'll keep it to a few.

Firstly, I wanted to mention my mother's amazing friends. They have donated a pretty penny to me to assist with my financial needs, and it is very humbling. They started a non-profit fund called Friends of Jen and have really spread the word around. They held an Applebee's night for fundraising. We also joined in the festivities and I was the celebrity of the evening. Anyway, I don't know how to say thank you beyond just those words. So, thank you all for everything you are doing.

I was supposed to start chemo last Thursday, but I went with my gut feeling and didn't start for a number of reasons. I had an allergic reaction and a huge, itchy rash from the Chloraprep they used to place my port. So, I was still on Benadryl at that point. It was the second day of my period, and I had mere ounces of energy. I had been to my plastic surgeon the day before, and he scared the pants off of me. There is a segment of the incision from surgery on my right breast that hasn't healed properly and the skin is slightly separated and open. (Ahh!) He said he may have to remove the tissue expander from that side if it becomes exposed, which is a possibility. Anyway, I was freaking out a bit about it, wondering how he could perform this surgery while I'm on chemo, and how could it possibly heal... so I decided to postpone until Monday.

I couldn't be happier with my decision to wait a few days. My incision has made a slight improvement (though it's far from healed). I have a thousand times more energy, my rash is gone, the port is almost completely healed. I am off Benadryl. So, yesterday was the day. After a stack of paperwork, fire and brimstone, and an interrogation session with the same questions I've already been asked thousands of times... Are you pregnant? Do you have a living will? Do you have mental problems?... yes, you are making me crazy with all these forms! Just give me the damn chemo already!

They gave me a nice dose of happy juice and I was on my way, high as a kite. We would have watched a movie, had my mother not been in charge of the selection, so we'll have to be better prepared for next time. Luckily, they have a pretty nice setup there with a TV and a recliner. It was like being at a spa, and there was even a masseuse who gave me an amazing head and shoulder massage. I was in ecstasy.

So, I felt fine, ate a delicious spaghetti dinner homemade by my loving grandparents. Celal and I went for a leisurely walk around the hood just to boost my energy. Not long afterward, some slight nausea set in, and I was pooped and pale as a ghost. I lay down around 9:30pm and was out after one of my mom's special foot massages. (Is the past tense of lie lay? That verb is so confusing.) I woke up a few times, but had some nausea around 6am, ate a banana, and passed out again. My color is now back and I'm up and about as usual... I still have my hair, and haven't vomited yet so all-in-all I'm a happy camper. A six-month chemo camper. I'll try to be more diligent about keeping a log of my trip, and still working on those photos...

Hasta luego!