Scared

Well, here we are, the night before surgery. I'm not exactly sure how to say a proper goodbye to the ladies. I just keep looking down. It's going to be super strange to wake up with a flat chest. Woah. This is it.

Today was craptastic. First of all, I slept three hours last night because I was pretty anxious. We woke up early, then showed up to the hospital at 8:30am to "register." We expected this to take all of one hour to set up a payment plan and talk with the anesthesiologist. HOWEVER, haha, we should have known better. The mafia mofos behind the desk pulled a grand heist and SEVEN arduous hours later, our negotiating powers had withered into dust and we handed over the plastic. I won't even go into how screwed up the medical system is in this country, or how the billing department lacks any remote sense of compassion for human life, but believe me I have a mouthful. Well, at least after all this we headed out to a Peruvian restaurant with my mom's friends and had a grand ol' time for a short while, and ate delicious ceviche.

I'm scared, but in the most irrational way. I'm tired and I can't sleep. I feel so much love around me, and it's all I need right now. I'm holding it close to my heart.

Winners

Congratulations to our First Annual I'm Getting a Boob Job Giveaway winners, Irfan & Elmas! Disfruta!

Wild and crazy kids

What can I say? I'm enjoying as much ignorance as I can get these days before my surgery. It's not as easy as it sounds, but I try. Last weekend, we made some rounds. My mom's friend has a sister who went through breast cancer a few years ago and used the same surgeons. She had offered for us to come over and talk with her. It's not really my kind of gig but it was nice of her to offer so we headed over there. She is really very sweet as is her husband, but I'm not sure if it made me feel better. She gave us a peep show and encouraged me to touch her breasts. (Awkward? Yes.). I got to hear some specifics about the procedure and the aftermath/recovery, including drains -- the thought of which still makes me gag. We left with a lot of pink stuff.

I'm not a support groupie type of person. I rely on my family and friends to get through tough times, and this is no different. The advice I keep hearing from everyone is to stay positive, stay positive, it's the most important thing. All I can say is that I'll do what I can and that's all I can do. I'm not thoroughly positive; I never have been and cancer is not about to change that. I'm pretty damn nervous about surgery and recovery, living in a painkiller fog. Who wouldn't be? I'm just a human being, and I have emotions... ups and downs, laughter and tears, pleasure and pain. Isn't that enough? But I think I understand. "Stay positive" is probably just everyone's way of saying "don't give up." And I'm not about to do that.

I have also received advice to get some baggy, button-down shirts for after surgery, so we have taken a few detours from the decor department to shop for those. It was really depressing! I headed to the men's section (suggested by others) and looked for the least masculine shirts. I moped through the racks. I mean, as if cutting off my breast didn't make me feel less feminine enough, now I have to start cross-dressing? Puh-lease. I bought one shirt and I was outta there. Then I went and bought a pretty dress to redeem myself as a woman.

We've done a few wild and crazy things. We went to Hard Rock and gambled away some hard-earned cash ($6!). I cut my hair off today (shoulder-length, so daring). And Celal finally bought a pair of sandals! Things are really tough around here, but we manage.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Most days I proclaim to be of Italian ancestry, but on rare occasion one might find out that my maternal grandmother is actually Irish. I had asked her a few months ago for my great grandmother's soda bread recipe, but it seems that she never wrote one down. Sad. :( Well, we were invited to a St. Patty's feast tonight and I was determined to make one (now that we have access to buttermilk!), so I scouted out the best traditional recipe I could find. We were at the doctor what seemed like all damn day (in reality a little over five hours), but finished up around 5pm and headed straight to the grocery store for the ingredients. I knew this would make us late, but I wasn't going without my bread! I was dreaming about it all day. Well, it came together in an hour, and it was exactly what I had wanted. Here is the recipe if anyone is interested in some wholesome brown bread. I'll go ahead and call it my great grandmother's recipe... Enjoy!

Brown Bread

from the Society for the Preservation of Irish Soda Bread

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 cup white cake flour

1 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsps baking soda

1 3/4 cups buttermilk

Preheat oven to 425F. Butter and flour a round cake pan. Sift together all the dry ingredients, then add the buttermilk. Mix in your Kitchenaid with the dough hook (or knead by hand on a floured surface) until the ingredients come together and are slightly elastic, but don't overmix. Pour it into the cake pan and cut a cross in the center. Cover it with an inverted cake pan (same size) and bake for 30 minutes. Remove the cake pan cover and bake for another 15 minutes. When you take it out, knock on the bottom of the loaf and it should sound hollow. Wrap the bread in a floursack towel and sprinkle some water on it to keep the bread moist. Let it cool a bit, and serve warm with butter.

April Fool!

It's been a good day for the psyche of myself and my entourage. Here within is a cut-and-dry post about the cancer agenda. I love lists, so let's make it a list:

#1. My surgery date is April 1st. Yay! Something to look forward to. I really hope they don't play any sick pranks on me. ("We had to take your arm during surgery... Hahaha, April Fool!" Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of Scrubs...

#2. Pre-op work tomorrow. Blood tests, x-rays, ekg. Fun times.

#3. MRI on Thursday. Hoping for some good news here.

#4. Cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke. (Yes, I am this corny.)

#5. We went to my oncologist today for the first time. I love her! (Just to note, the previous oncologist visit was for a second opinion.) She gave us a pretty detailed explanation of the treatment post-op. It is well within reality that I won't need chemo OR radiation at all after surgery! Of course, there are missing variables and they won't know more until after the MRI and surgery but here's the current evidence and prerequisites for chemo.

- I have extensive DCIS in my right breast. This is all within the mammary ducts, and is not technically considered cancer (it is more like a precursor and a great cause for concern). It is cancer, but it's not. Hard to describe. Anyway, once the DCIS jumps outside of the ducts, it is invasive cancer.

- One of my four biopsies showed a microscopic malignancy of invasive cancer. It showed 1mm of invasive DCIS out of a 1.6cm sample. The other biopsy in the right breast was benign - a fibroadenoma (not even DCIS). The other two biopsies were in the left breast, which do not show any DCIS.

- In order to go forward with chemo treatment, she will need to see at least a 1cm piece of invasive DCIS. She said they typically do not add up the pieces and generally will look at the largest piece they find. For example, if they find ten 1mm pieces of invasive DCIS, they probably won't do chemo. However, it is still subjective based on what they find.

So, technically speaking... they have only proven 1mm of invasive cancer... all this craziness over 1mm! Mind-blowing.

- For radiation, the prereqs are either (a) a 5cm chunk of DCIS, or (b) DCIS in the lymph nodes.

- According to my mammograms and ultrasounds, it's not looking like the DCIS has spread to the lymph nodes, but she won't know until surgery. Same with the DCIS (though it is definitely extensive, so I guess this is more likely than the chemo).

I'm too pooped to write more, but that's the gist of the medical mumbo-jumbo...

Hasta pronto!

(This "hasta" means until in Spanish, not sick in Turkish!)

1st Annual Giveaway

Welcome to the 1st Annual I'm Getting a Boob Job Giveaway! Due to the economic crisis and budget constraints, we won't be giving away free boobs. However, in appreciation of all your love and support, we would like to send you and a special friend to see the legendary Cuban group Buena Vista Social Club ... LIVE in Istanbul!

Buena Vista Social Club

Tuesday, April 28, 2009, 9pm

@ Santral Istanbul

How to Enter: Submit your name by *e-mail* to Jen or Celal before Friday, March 20, 2009. One winner will be selected at random, from a hat, and announced by Monday, March 23rd.

Prize details: Two floor tickets for Buena Vista Social Club. Flights and transportation not included :(

Odds of winning: Very good

Submit your entry today!

P.S. - The tickets have already been purchased and will go to waste if no one enters :(

Lack of self-control

Here it is.

Li-Fraumeni syndrome

I resisted this thought all day yesterday and today until I had it in written form on the blog. My mom asked what I was talking about. I caved in and looked it up and now I wish I hadn't. Jen's melancholy ensues... off to watch Jimmy Fallon.