Scared

Well, here we are, the night before surgery. I'm not exactly sure how to say a proper goodbye to the ladies. I just keep looking down. It's going to be super strange to wake up with a flat chest. Woah. This is it.

Today was craptastic. First of all, I slept three hours last night because I was pretty anxious. We woke up early, then showed up to the hospital at 8:30am to "register." We expected this to take all of one hour to set up a payment plan and talk with the anesthesiologist. HOWEVER, haha, we should have known better. The mafia mofos behind the desk pulled a grand heist and SEVEN arduous hours later, our negotiating powers had withered into dust and we handed over the plastic. I won't even go into how screwed up the medical system is in this country, or how the billing department lacks any remote sense of compassion for human life, but believe me I have a mouthful. Well, at least after all this we headed out to a Peruvian restaurant with my mom's friends and had a grand ol' time for a short while, and ate delicious ceviche.

I'm scared, but in the most irrational way. I'm tired and I can't sleep. I feel so much love around me, and it's all I need right now. I'm holding it close to my heart.

Winners

Congratulations to our First Annual I'm Getting a Boob Job Giveaway winners, Irfan & Elmas! Disfruta!

Wild and crazy kids

What can I say? I'm enjoying as much ignorance as I can get these days before my surgery. It's not as easy as it sounds, but I try. Last weekend, we made some rounds. My mom's friend has a sister who went through breast cancer a few years ago and used the same surgeons. She had offered for us to come over and talk with her. It's not really my kind of gig but it was nice of her to offer so we headed over there. She is really very sweet as is her husband, but I'm not sure if it made me feel better. She gave us a peep show and encouraged me to touch her breasts. (Awkward? Yes.). I got to hear some specifics about the procedure and the aftermath/recovery, including drains -- the thought of which still makes me gag. We left with a lot of pink stuff.

I'm not a support groupie type of person. I rely on my family and friends to get through tough times, and this is no different. The advice I keep hearing from everyone is to stay positive, stay positive, it's the most important thing. All I can say is that I'll do what I can and that's all I can do. I'm not thoroughly positive; I never have been and cancer is not about to change that. I'm pretty damn nervous about surgery and recovery, living in a painkiller fog. Who wouldn't be? I'm just a human being, and I have emotions... ups and downs, laughter and tears, pleasure and pain. Isn't that enough? But I think I understand. "Stay positive" is probably just everyone's way of saying "don't give up." And I'm not about to do that.

I have also received advice to get some baggy, button-down shirts for after surgery, so we have taken a few detours from the decor department to shop for those. It was really depressing! I headed to the men's section (suggested by others) and looked for the least masculine shirts. I moped through the racks. I mean, as if cutting off my breast didn't make me feel less feminine enough, now I have to start cross-dressing? Puh-lease. I bought one shirt and I was outta there. Then I went and bought a pretty dress to redeem myself as a woman.

We've done a few wild and crazy things. We went to Hard Rock and gambled away some hard-earned cash ($6!). I cut my hair off today (shoulder-length, so daring). And Celal finally bought a pair of sandals! Things are really tough around here, but we manage.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Most days I proclaim to be of Italian ancestry, but on rare occasion one might find out that my maternal grandmother is actually Irish. I had asked her a few months ago for my great grandmother's soda bread recipe, but it seems that she never wrote one down. Sad. :( Well, we were invited to a St. Patty's feast tonight and I was determined to make one (now that we have access to buttermilk!), so I scouted out the best traditional recipe I could find. We were at the doctor what seemed like all damn day (in reality a little over five hours), but finished up around 5pm and headed straight to the grocery store for the ingredients. I knew this would make us late, but I wasn't going without my bread! I was dreaming about it all day. Well, it came together in an hour, and it was exactly what I had wanted. Here is the recipe if anyone is interested in some wholesome brown bread. I'll go ahead and call it my great grandmother's recipe... Enjoy!

Brown Bread

from the Society for the Preservation of Irish Soda Bread

3 cups whole wheat flour

1 cup white cake flour

1 tsp salt

1 1/2 tsps baking soda

1 3/4 cups buttermilk

Preheat oven to 425F. Butter and flour a round cake pan. Sift together all the dry ingredients, then add the buttermilk. Mix in your Kitchenaid with the dough hook (or knead by hand on a floured surface) until the ingredients come together and are slightly elastic, but don't overmix. Pour it into the cake pan and cut a cross in the center. Cover it with an inverted cake pan (same size) and bake for 30 minutes. Remove the cake pan cover and bake for another 15 minutes. When you take it out, knock on the bottom of the loaf and it should sound hollow. Wrap the bread in a floursack towel and sprinkle some water on it to keep the bread moist. Let it cool a bit, and serve warm with butter.

April Fool!

It's been a good day for the psyche of myself and my entourage. Here within is a cut-and-dry post about the cancer agenda. I love lists, so let's make it a list:

#1. My surgery date is April 1st. Yay! Something to look forward to. I really hope they don't play any sick pranks on me. ("We had to take your arm during surgery... Hahaha, April Fool!" Maybe I've seen one too many episodes of Scrubs...

#2. Pre-op work tomorrow. Blood tests, x-rays, ekg. Fun times.

#3. MRI on Thursday. Hoping for some good news here.

#4. Cheeseburger, fries, and a small coke. (Yes, I am this corny.)

#5. We went to my oncologist today for the first time. I love her! (Just to note, the previous oncologist visit was for a second opinion.) She gave us a pretty detailed explanation of the treatment post-op. It is well within reality that I won't need chemo OR radiation at all after surgery! Of course, there are missing variables and they won't know more until after the MRI and surgery but here's the current evidence and prerequisites for chemo.

- I have extensive DCIS in my right breast. This is all within the mammary ducts, and is not technically considered cancer (it is more like a precursor and a great cause for concern). It is cancer, but it's not. Hard to describe. Anyway, once the DCIS jumps outside of the ducts, it is invasive cancer.

- One of my four biopsies showed a microscopic malignancy of invasive cancer. It showed 1mm of invasive DCIS out of a 1.6cm sample. The other biopsy in the right breast was benign - a fibroadenoma (not even DCIS). The other two biopsies were in the left breast, which do not show any DCIS.

- In order to go forward with chemo treatment, she will need to see at least a 1cm piece of invasive DCIS. She said they typically do not add up the pieces and generally will look at the largest piece they find. For example, if they find ten 1mm pieces of invasive DCIS, they probably won't do chemo. However, it is still subjective based on what they find.

So, technically speaking... they have only proven 1mm of invasive cancer... all this craziness over 1mm! Mind-blowing.

- For radiation, the prereqs are either (a) a 5cm chunk of DCIS, or (b) DCIS in the lymph nodes.

- According to my mammograms and ultrasounds, it's not looking like the DCIS has spread to the lymph nodes, but she won't know until surgery. Same with the DCIS (though it is definitely extensive, so I guess this is more likely than the chemo).

I'm too pooped to write more, but that's the gist of the medical mumbo-jumbo...

Hasta pronto!

(This "hasta" means until in Spanish, not sick in Turkish!)

1st Annual Giveaway

Welcome to the 1st Annual I'm Getting a Boob Job Giveaway! Due to the economic crisis and budget constraints, we won't be giving away free boobs. However, in appreciation of all your love and support, we would like to send you and a special friend to see the legendary Cuban group Buena Vista Social Club ... LIVE in Istanbul!

Buena Vista Social Club

Tuesday, April 28, 2009, 9pm

@ Santral Istanbul

How to Enter: Submit your name by *e-mail* to Jen or Celal before Friday, March 20, 2009. One winner will be selected at random, from a hat, and announced by Monday, March 23rd.

Prize details: Two floor tickets for Buena Vista Social Club. Flights and transportation not included :(

Odds of winning: Very good

Submit your entry today!

P.S. - The tickets have already been purchased and will go to waste if no one enters :(

Lack of self-control

Here it is.

Li-Fraumeni syndrome

I resisted this thought all day yesterday and today until I had it in written form on the blog. My mom asked what I was talking about. I caved in and looked it up and now I wish I hadn't. Jen's melancholy ensues... off to watch Jimmy Fallon.

Normal

My writer's block is creeping back (which is why I haven't kept a blog in so long...) but the phone calls are pouring in and I wanted to give an update on my ladies.

Time is no longer in slow motion and we're pretty much back to being normal Jen and Celal, aside from the fact that we now live with my mom and Pete and are both unemployed and, oh yeah, I still have cancer. My crying sessions are down to about 15 minutes every other day. I get a little melancholy now and again but we mostly stay busy so I don't have time to obsess. I've also managed to forego the early morning schedule and follow through with staying up late and sleeping in, just like the good ol' days (meaning, about three weeks ago). I still can't decide if I like Jimmy Fallon or not. But, as long as The Roots are pulling him along each night, I keep on watching.

Yesterday, Celal and I went down to Hollywood to the genetic counselor. She basically scared the pants off of me. We made a lovely cancer family tree. She mentioned something about Li Famini as a possibility (I'm not sure that it's spelled correctly because I refuse to look it up - it's really rare and it's not likely that I have it). But first is the test for BRCA1 and BRCA2, so I'm just going to start there and focus on that. She drew some blood and sent it off for a $3k genetic test and in four weeks we'll have the results. IF I test positive for either, it would have a lot of meaning. It would (1) answer the "why?" I have cancer (genetics), (2) show that I am also susceptible to various other cancers including ovarian and pancreatic, among others - so I would know to closely monitor for those, (3) allow my younger cousins to appropriately monitor themselves knowing there is a genetic tie, (4) help the oncologist to plan my post-op therapy, since there are certain treatments that work better for the genetic-based breast cancer, and (5) rule out that Chinese famine disease that I don't want to know about. This all sounds swell, but seriously, do I want to know all of these things?? We asked her, "What is the best-case scenario?" and her answer -- there isn't one. Wow, thanks, I feel so much better! Anyway, 70% of breast cancers are environmental, without a known cause, so there's always a good chance of that. I suppose that comes with it's own drawbacks as well but it sounds a lot less scary to me than the other two options.

Today was the fun part where I got to find out about the actual boob job. We went for the first visit with the plastic surgeon. We sat in the (expletive) waiting room for 90 minutes, and it was a full two hours before he checked me out. By the time he came into the examination room, we had moved onto mindless chatter about my mom's bowling-ball ("marbled") bathtub and were laughing pretty maniacally when he walked in. (Yet another group of doctors to think we are nuts.) Anyway, I originally had it set in my head (with no prior research) that I wanted no implants. I heard they could use fat from the love handles or somewhere else to do the reconstruction. This sounded grand and lovely until we discussed details. He said the fat would come from my stomach, squeezed up the left side and showed the size of a new tit. Noo thank you! I surely have a little pudge belly, but not enough to make for adequate cleavage. He also said the scar would run from hip-to-hip and they might even cut into muscle. All the way around, this is not the route for me.

So, option two is this. After the oncology surgeon does her mastectomy business, he will jump in and place tissue expanders, which will stay in about 6 to 8 weeks. They are like small implants that he can gradually blow up through a metal port (with once-a-week saline injections) so that my skin stretches enough to put in implants. Once they are to the size I want, I will have another surgery (an outpatient procedure) to install the permanent implants. And after that heals, I get to go pick up my nipples in the drive-thru. Then, it's off to a tattoo artist for the coloring. (Should I go with a rouge or perhaps pink dewberry?)

Anyway, his portfolio is impressive, and I finally learned that I won't have a giant Zorro scar across my chest as I had previously imagined. I still fear waking up from surgery without a limb, but maybe that's just a Freudian delusion related to losing my precious breasts.

Oklahoma Wheat

So, we're finally home, fed, and washed up for the evening. I just wanted to throw up a quick update on today's doctor visit. We went down to fabulous Miami Beach to see my mom's friend's relative who is an oncologist, so we would have a second opinion. The nurse who checked me out was friendly and kind. He said he had seen a Turkish movie recently, and of course we were thinking, "Oh, great... he's seen Midnight Express too. What's new." But, (for the first time EVER) the guy had actually seen a really good German/Turkish flick called The Edge of Heaven, which we watched a few months ago. It's a really good flick! Anyway, doctor update. He came in, looked through the pathology reports, ultrasound slides, and mammograms, and we talked about my situation, how it all came about, he examined me (as if I wasn't sore enough from the biopsies)... and he came to the same conclusion as the other doctors. He also knows them well and said they are really excellent doctors. Anyway, as I was thinking before, the chemo news is great for now, but we must wait and see what the results are after the surgery. It is likely that I will need chemo after surgery, considering the circumstances and lack of family history of breast cancer. So, no cartwheels and flips, folks. We did ask about the fertility issue, and I could possibly opt to do another round of Lupron. Fun times.

Good news on the decorating front. Our room is coming along swiftly and we should be done by the end of the weekend (maaaybe). Poor Celal is sleeping in a girly room, but it's pretty cute and Frenchy. Next is my mom's master bathroom. I can't say I have the best eye for decorating, but my mom needs help, believe me. She kept asking me on Skype what paint color we wanted for our room here, and I gave a few ideas and reiterated "anything but yellow." They went with Oklahoma Wheat. She still refuses to believe that it's yellow. "It's not really yellow. It's wheat. Golden wheat. Golden wheat yellow."

Good news (for now)

I was in the midst of a dream -- having a conversation with the radiology receptionist to schedule my appointments, casually discussing Gus Van Sant movies (why?) -- when I awoke to my mom screaming, "Jennifer! Jennifer!" as she ran down the hallway to our bedroom. She burst into the room, "I have good news! I have good news!" (Side note: If you don't know my mom, you have to understand that she has the energy of a two-year-old child all hours of the day and it's the funniest thing ever). If you don't know me well, you'll need to know here that I'm not a cheery, energetic morning person. Anyway, cheerleader mom continues to say that she just got off the phone with the doctor and that I will not need chemotherapy before my surgery! She spoke with my oncology surgeon who spoke with the oncologist who read the pathology reports of my biopsy results.

We are all pretty happy about this, but I must confess that I lie on the line between pragmatic and cautiously optimistic, so I'm not yet doing cartwheels and flips. We will hopefully be visiting with an oncologist tomorrow for a second opinion and to ask some questions and confirm that this is a good thing. I'm not sure this rules out chemo in the long run, but in the scheme of the next month, it's pretty damn good news. We are assuming that this means the cancer is not so bad, but I really can't say that at this point until we talk to the doctors. Honestly, I have been the most worried about the long-term effects of the chemo (such as complete infertility, as if I didn't have enough fertility issues with the endometriosis) so for this reason alone I am very happy.

Other than this, not much else is going on in my medical realm. I will have that genetic blood test next Tuesday, and then meet with the reconstruction surgeon on Wednesday. We have breathing room.

We have been keeping ourselves pretty busy the past few days. My mom's friends are amazing and they have brought us delicious meals, in addition to some cooking we've done. Thanks to everyone for the fruits, baked ziti, salads, meatballs, spinach dip, wines, chicken and beans, rice... and of course the great company. We also have been shopaholics to keep our minds busy. We're working on a few projects in my mom's new house, the priority of which is decorating our bedroom. It's nice to have some things to keep us productive since neither Celal nor I are working here. I'll be sanding down a cedar chest shortly so we can refinish it. I also just finished making a batch of homemade Rice Gelato from the book The Perfect Scoop (by David Leibovitz, one of my favorite bloggers), which we will freeze later tonight.

Aside from keeping busy, I've been an emotional rollercoaster. I love reading everyone's messages, and have cried through many of them. I had a few mini-meltdowns. The nights are the worst, and it has been ridiculously difficult to fall asleep. I just started reading a new book (A Year in Provence, takes me back to our honeymoon) so it's helping but my mind still wanders into the darkness. The mornings are the best. I love waking up to sunshine and always have a renewed optimism when I see the blue skies and fluffy clouds. I'm also a sucker for fresh OJ. But the days are still long. It's an insane thought that I just got diagnosed in Istanbul one week and two days ago. These have been the longest days of my life.

Lucky me

I just wanted to post a quick update. I'm not supposed to be typing right now...

We just got back from my tests today - I had three vacuum biopsies. It wasn't too bad, but pretty sore right now and icing on and off for 20 minutes the rest of the night. We'll know the results in a few days, hopefully it will be good news and I won't have to do chemo before surgery. I am feeling SO much better mentally and very positive. At the hospital, they are all wondering why I smile and giggle so much, they must think I'm completely insane.

YESTERDAY was the longest day of my life. By 1pm, it felt like one week had gone by, and every second I was excruciatingly nervous/anxious/scared... there was no escape from my thoughts no matter how much we tried to do things to distract us. Finally, my mom's friend (who happens to be my old middle school computer teacher) came by for a while and she brought us a tray of baked ziti for tonight. She is a real sweetheart.

After a few hours, I finally had a mini-breakdown and let it all out. I recouped, put some frozen spoons over my eyes, and prepared for our dinner guests. We had some friends over (Tuna, his girlfriend, and her daughter) and we made delicious seared tuna steaks on the grill, which made for some quite funny comments (such as, "How do you like your Tuna?" and "This is the best Tuna I've ever eaten"). It was friggin' delicious. Cooking and guests are really a blessing to keep my mind busy since I'm not working.

I have been reading (and crying) through everyone's comments. I can't believe all of the support I have and will definitely respond soon when I am mentally prepared to do so.... but I just wanted to say that I take them all to heart, and they have touched me deeply and are giving me the strength to move forward with this. I certainly cannot do it alone and I am the luckiest girl in the world to be so loved :o)

More to follow... stay posted!

xoxo