It's been almost two weeks now since surgery. I haven't wanted to blog because I've been depressed, I was in pain, and I couldn't type. I don't know how to be positive anymore. I am broken down and beaten up. Today, we saw my oncologist to find out about the treatment plan. It's like there is no end to this nightmare that my life has become.

My cancer was "stage III" - 6cm tumor and one positive lymph node (out of 23 total). The treatment is aggressive.

We were expecting to be out of here in six months or so. But my treatment will be a year and three months: six months of chemo, plus nine months to finish the herceptin. After that, I will have radiation, so add on to that. Then another few (5) years of hormone therapy. So, not only do we have this cancer thing to deal with, but our lives are rearranged. We have to be concerned about Celal's visa situation. Perhaps we'll have to deal with getting a greencard so he can work. We may rent an apartment and set up a new life here. I need to figure out the financial end of paying for all of this treatment without health insurance in the States. There is a lot on my shoulders. I know it's all going to be fine, but right now it's a helluva lot to think about.

I just want to blink and make this all disappear. How can I be positive?? What is positive about this?? All I can do is cry right now and let it all out.