Germophobes unite!

I'm sure you can all assume why there haven't been many messages recently. I can hear it myself in my writing voice ("oh no, I lost my tail again..."). I can't even think straight most of the time. I'm not myself anymore and I'm trying to figure out exactly how to be me again, to find my way through this. As of now, it's just one second at a time. The best times are when I can laugh, or when I can forget this mess we're in. Those times don't come easy, but I hope in time they will. I am living with butterflies in my stomach. Chemo will start in eight days. I'm coming prepared with a can of Lysol in one hand and hand sanitizer in the other.

I am the constant observer, and now I've been thrown in the center with my arms and legs flailing. This is not me! This is not happening! I'm still swimming against the current... and trying to accept the things that I cannot change (not to sound too prophetic). I have an overwhelming amount of support, and it is quite humbling. I have met wonderful breast cancer survivors through my mom and they give me the hope that I need. Many people have been through this, and I can do it too! That's as positive as I can be right now.

As far as my recovery from surgery, I have a long way to go but making progress every day. I still can't sleep through the night. I wake up about four times just from lack of comfort, since I can only sleep in one position. The tissue expanders are really uncomfortable and heavy, and I'm still sore and swollen. Thankfully, I haven't been sneezing a lot, but when I do, it feels like the seams are going to burst. I can't lift my arms above shoulder level, so still have to put clothes on from the bottom up. On a positive note, I can finally take showers, almost entirely by myself! I can wash my own hair! I can open and close the car door and put on my seatbelt. It's all in slow motion, but it's a relief after having two weeks in need of constant service and maintenance.

I am loving the small boob look, and not sure I'll go much larger. For those who haven't seen me yet, they're about a large A-cup. I'm planning on getting about a mid-B. It's great to not have to wear a bra! Small boobs are the best, just like I thought! I know, I'm in the minority of women who actually prefers smaller boobies, but I think they're cute and easy. The only problem is that my fat arse and belly have made themselves clear. But I'm guessing the chemo will take care of that...

Well, I'm off for now. I'm having a tough time with my writing flow in this state of mind, up and down, all around.

Hasta pronto!