Also

I forgot to mention the best thing ever. Celal's mom bought me my dream lens, the 24-70 2.8L!! I am so spoiled and lucky to have such a great mother-in-law. It's a bit heavy for me to use now, but I plan on adding some photos to spice up the blog soon...

Straightforward update

Doctor things are slowing down a bit, and becoming a lot more manageable. I have some testing this Friday (brain MRI, thyroid ultrasound) and normal life in between! It's pure loveliness. I have sloughed off some of my melancholy since the last post, and the butterflies have calmed a bit. There was one hiccup yesterday when Celal and I were driving to the doctor - we were listening to the radio and heard our first dance song from the wedding, so we looked at each other and started to ball. It was rough, but it passed and we're laughing and goofy yet again.

Chemo is not starting Monday, but it will likely start sometime next week. What I do have Monday is a chemo training course (hopefully easier than CELTA!), which will freak me out about all the things I can and cannot do while taking chemo. I've heard that I can't shave my legs with a razor because I might cut myself and then I'll get a horrible infection and then it's all downhill from there. Well, luckily I have an electric razor, but there's this thing I've heard about all my hair falling out? So why would I even be worried about shaving in the first place. Speaking of which, I tried on some wigs today. I'm not in love with any of them, certainly not the Bret Michaels hairstyles the lady put on me, but there was one or two that will do.

There are a lot of changes coming this week. Celal's uncle and cousin are coming to visit, then everyone (including his mom) is leaving on Sunday. We are going to miss them so much! My mom and his mom are two peas in a pod. They are so cute together (as I write, they are in the other room giggling like teenagers). Monday, I get my boobs pumped up for the first time (I hope it's not too painful!) and then the chemo course. Then on Tuesday, Grandpa and Grandma D are coming. I'm so excited for their visit, I can't wait!

Germophobes unite!

I'm sure you can all assume why there haven't been many messages recently. I can hear it myself in my writing voice ("oh no, I lost my tail again..."). I can't even think straight most of the time. I'm not myself anymore and I'm trying to figure out exactly how to be me again, to find my way through this. As of now, it's just one second at a time. The best times are when I can laugh, or when I can forget this mess we're in. Those times don't come easy, but I hope in time they will. I am living with butterflies in my stomach. Chemo will start in eight days. I'm coming prepared with a can of Lysol in one hand and hand sanitizer in the other.

I am the constant observer, and now I've been thrown in the center with my arms and legs flailing. This is not me! This is not happening! I'm still swimming against the current... and trying to accept the things that I cannot change (not to sound too prophetic). I have an overwhelming amount of support, and it is quite humbling. I have met wonderful breast cancer survivors through my mom and they give me the hope that I need. Many people have been through this, and I can do it too! That's as positive as I can be right now.

As far as my recovery from surgery, I have a long way to go but making progress every day. I still can't sleep through the night. I wake up about four times just from lack of comfort, since I can only sleep in one position. The tissue expanders are really uncomfortable and heavy, and I'm still sore and swollen. Thankfully, I haven't been sneezing a lot, but when I do, it feels like the seams are going to burst. I can't lift my arms above shoulder level, so still have to put clothes on from the bottom up. On a positive note, I can finally take showers, almost entirely by myself! I can wash my own hair! I can open and close the car door and put on my seatbelt. It's all in slow motion, but it's a relief after having two weeks in need of constant service and maintenance.

I am loving the small boob look, and not sure I'll go much larger. For those who haven't seen me yet, they're about a large A-cup. I'm planning on getting about a mid-B. It's great to not have to wear a bra! Small boobs are the best, just like I thought! I know, I'm in the minority of women who actually prefers smaller boobies, but I think they're cute and easy. The only problem is that my fat arse and belly have made themselves clear. But I'm guessing the chemo will take care of that...

Well, I'm off for now. I'm having a tough time with my writing flow in this state of mind, up and down, all around.

Hasta pronto!

Feeling a Little Hopeful

I'm feeling a lot better after letting it all out. Wow, what a day we've had. One day at a time... now I'm off to pick out a butch hairstyle!

It's been almost two weeks now since surgery. I haven't wanted to blog because I've been depressed, I was in pain, and I couldn't type. I don't know how to be positive anymore. I am broken down and beaten up. Today, we saw my oncologist to find out about the treatment plan. It's like there is no end to this nightmare that my life has become.

My cancer was "stage III" - 6cm tumor and one positive lymph node (out of 23 total). The treatment is aggressive.

We were expecting to be out of here in six months or so. But my treatment will be a year and three months: six months of chemo, plus nine months to finish the herceptin. After that, I will have radiation, so add on to that. Then another few (5) years of hormone therapy. So, not only do we have this cancer thing to deal with, but our lives are rearranged. We have to be concerned about Celal's visa situation. Perhaps we'll have to deal with getting a greencard so he can work. We may rent an apartment and set up a new life here. I need to figure out the financial end of paying for all of this treatment without health insurance in the States. There is a lot on my shoulders. I know it's all going to be fine, but right now it's a helluva lot to think about.

I just want to blink and make this all disappear. How can I be positive?? What is positive about this?? All I can do is cry right now and let it all out.

The Good News

My surgical oncologist called with the pathology results from the surgery. There was only one lymph node with cancer out of the seventeen she took from the right side. She also got all clean margins on the breast tissue. My diagnosis is formally Stage II. It looks like she got it all out. I will have more tests...

My mom can't spell anesthesia (and neither can I)

I can't type on my computer right now, so I'm dictating telegraph style. Moan, groan, take a deep breath...that's what I'm up to. Last night was pretty bad coming off of the anesthesia and morphine. I was so anxious and I'm still having mild hallucinations. They found cancer in the lymph nodes on the right side, so I'll be having chemo. My genetic tests for BRCA1 and BRCA2 were both negative. I'm not doing the Le Freumene test. I don't need to know. I'm just focusing on each second passing by and a speedy recovery. More to come soon...